27 people for Thanksgiving, 10 of them children, am I crazy or what?

This is a very interesting time for me. The emotions come in waves. Sometimes I am excited about looking for a new job, meeting new people in my industry. Sometimes I am depressed as I am preparing files and folders for my last day at work. Sometimes I panic that I won't find a job, EVER. :) I know that's ridiculous but I am not perfect...yet. Sometimes I am so looking forward doing many cool things with my kid, that I have never had time to do before. So it is "a roller-coaster of emotions" literally. I probably will be really glad that it is happening...at some point...soon.

The man was standing right next to me while I was riding the subway train and I was amazed that I felt very comfortable although the distance between us was barely a foot. I wonder how other people on a subway feel about being that close to strangers. I think it should affect us the riders. If I was a psychologist I would like to write the paper called something like "public transportation and it's influence on the society". I am sure that people who drive cars all the time and don't experience this forced closeness, feel differently.

The fall is in full power. The trees are losing leaves faster and faster with each day. The mornings are chilly. When outside the steam is coming out of my mouth when I exhale. Time of reflection.

The big change is happening in my life. My company made some budget cuts and six designers including me were laid off. It was quite a shock, than I realized that actually I have wanted to change workplace for quite some time so it might be for the best. But I have three more weeks to work and coming into the office is getting harder and harder. It is a reminder of unpleasantness of the whole thing. You know its not personal, but it is impossible not to take it personally, because I spend the third of my day there. And also I am expected to be loyal and do my job well although I know that loyalty is not reciprocated and it is now demonstrated to me now little it means. Of course they give me money and staff, this was our contract, I did sell them my skills, but it still leaves an aftertaste, because I do care about what I am doing so I bring more than just mechanical achieving of the goals and performing tasks. So in some way it feels more like a break up, when somebody tells you "lets stay friends" and even though you know that the relationship became obsolete, but you still feel the bitter aftertaste of the regret.

I have never being fired before so it is new and valuable experience for me. I am looking at my co-workers and it is so strange to see that it is probably even more awkward for them than for me. They don't know what to say and what to do, some give me condolences, some avoid me, some ignore. I wish I didn't have to see all of this because it is just sad.

Cape Cod during the second week of September turns into a very special place. It sheds its tourist glitter into the ocean and becomes almost mystical. Breathtaking sunsets, never the same. Wind and sun go through your body giving you a release from the trivial worries.

The places are almost empty but still alive. A few natives are super friendly, they relax in their chairs. They are glad to see you coming in, they chat and smile. The birds are the rulers now. The black crows are walking along the streets, sitting on poles and back yards getting sunbaths.
Our favorite beach on the lake is empty, we feel that we are the masters of the land and we can do whenever we want. When my son wakes up his first question is:"Where are we going today?" He got into the spirit of vacation very fast. We eat seafood, which is delicious and readily available, or doing barbecue on the backyard.

There are also old people. As we are eating the breakfast they start migration to the ocean. There are couples, small groups of women sharing the stories, that you can hear if you want to. The rush hour here is 6.30 to 7 pm, the sunset time. Everybody is on the ocean edge observing how the sun and clouds are painting a new beautiful composition every evening that includes the smells of the ocean and sound of the waves. Around Wednesday the change is happening, one crowd is leaving and next hasn't came yet. On Thursday and Friday nights more and more cars parked at the hotels and rental houses. We left on the beautiful Saturday morning saying goodbuy and thank you. Back to civilization. I wish we cold stay a few days more.

Life often comes between me and my blogging. I have two unfinished posts, and now when I am looking at them I am not sure what I wanted to say. One was about how my boss for some reason decided that my vacation wasn't too important, and I could switch it. But now after two weeks it all seems water under the bridge. The other post was about our vacation but I have a bit different feelings about it now. But I think I want to write it down anyway. So I am going to start over...

Every time after I talk to my mom I feel horrified. Will my son talk to me that way? Will I be as inflexible as her? The barrier between different generations seems so high almost impossible to overcome. I am often wondering, how come though she raised me we don't have much in common. She is doing so much for us, but I have a very long way to go to learn to appreciate it, without saying: "This is great but..." There is always a but, and it shouldn't be there. I am trying to accept my mom as she is, but .... here it is again. That is very irritating. How people do this? How do they reach each other through time and connect?

A few days ago I finished reading a novel "The Island" by Elin Hilderbrand. This turned out to be one of the romantic stories that I swore off quite a while ago. It was a recommendation by one of the women book clubs so I suspected that from the start but decided that variety probably will do me good.

It was quite an amusing read and I did enjoy it. Probably because the last book like this I had read 9 years ago so it was almost refreshing. I am like so many women deep inside quite a romantic and this book reminded me about this almost forgotten feature. Sometimes it made me smile and a few times I wanted to bang my head against something hard.

Pretty often I think these kind of books should be gathered and buried somewhere as they raise very unhealthy expectations and I saw too many girls that couldn't separate fiction and reality. These stories are hopelessly romantic and have almost absolutely nothing to do with the reality. They cater to the woman's dream of the perfect man (prince) that will come along and all the worries will be over. Also they somehow all follow the same plot points. So enough is enough I probably will wait a few more years to read another one.

I love my way to work. As I am emerging from the subway I see people. Some are like me moving with purpose - going to work, some are tourists. Young couples, friends and families having breakfast at Starbucks and Au Bon Pain. They are talking and smiling. This early in the morning people are looking forward to a new day and optimistic. Nice feeling.

As I walked through the door I started to notice the first signs of the coming of the fall. The elusive smell in the air, the tree on the backyard loosing its red leaves, and although I know that we probably still have a few good weeks, but something squeezed my heart as I realized that summer soon will be over. The little sweet nostalgia about hot summer days. I love fall, but it makes me a little bit blue as a premonition of the upcoming winter hibernation. There is a sense that maybe I should hurry and do a little bit more summer stuff.