Sick again, second time in last couple weeks. I guess we all are stressing out a bit and the immune system is giving up. At this point none of us is completely healthy.

As I am trying to talk to my son, I am always solving the dilemma, should I trust him or not. He is definitely lying sometimes, and sometimes he can say the truth. He is a little person and of course I want to respect his opinions and trust him, but well... he is two and a bit and I quite a few times discovered that his answers don't match reality. But you can't also disregard everything he says, because sometimes he does make a very valuable point. Today we learned a little lesson on that. The story of the eew factor of being a parent to follow...

We potty train our son, and he sometimes wears underpants at home, not diaper, so we always have to check on him, and go to the bathroom frequently. He is getting more and more in control over the process but still doesn't get why he needs to do that, so it is not his favorite thing. This evening it all started with him peeing in his underwear, and us being a bit mad because we just asked him and of course we shouldn't have listened to him when he said that he doesn't want to go, because it was pretty long since he went last time. I cleaned up the mess and decided to leave him bottomless since it was almost time to go to sleep. My husband and I just sat for a quick dinner and of course suddenly our son tells us that he has to go again, after moments hesitation I went with him and to my surprise he actually needed to go. He got his reward for telling us. Five minutes later he says that he needs to go again, we looked at each other and laughed it out, then continued with the dinner until one minute later our son was running around the living room and spreading his crap. O, the joys of parenthood. For a second being in shock we bolted to stop him, cleaned the mess and put him on the toilet.

And this is the story that put me on the path thinking about the children and trust. So the question of the day, how one can decide when to trust your child and when disregard?

Rain didn't stop us from going to class this morning. By the way we were walking, the school is 10 minutes from us. Have to say that my son behaved very well, and even having very limited amount of time, we were opening the school's door as the bell rang 9 am exactly. I was very proud of us.

There weren't anything radically different. They sang songs, played with the dough, water, and toys. I liked the toys a lot, some of them were made from wood, the dolls and animals are created in a very minimalistic manner, sketchy features, some of them knitted, very warm and enjoyable. The children seemed to like them a lot. My little one was particularly fond of the cats.

There were couple of things that I noticed today. The teachers were very noninvasive. Being part of the scene they were guiding children and parents in such manner that the whole chain of little events smoothly followed one another. They do pay more attention to meet needs of the individual children. Teacher entertained a bit more the children that were more active and to me seemed older than others. Which is a positive notion.

The parents are always given the crafts project. We (my nanny and me) were intertwining threads and sewn couple of flowers. Maybe they have their own reason for doing that, but I am convinced that the purpose is to distract parent from shadowing and disrupting their children.

My son really enjoyed the class today, and said that he wants to go again. Next week my husband will be going with him and I am so interested what kind of impression he will have.

Tomorrow is a big day for my son. He is starting a new class which is probably going to be a big deal for him. He said that he is going to speak English I doubt that but it would be good if he at least tried, because I do want him to be comfortable with people. He is a friendly boy, he always says hi and buy and smiles but as soon as people start to talk he becomes shy. It is a Waldorf school class where the teachers pay a bit more attention to the individual children or so they say. I am very interested to see how it is going to work in real life.

It is really hard to predict with our son how he is going to react. It is not a totally new experience for him. We were going to Gymoree classes since he was 9 months old. But we stopped almost three months ago and so much has changed recently. He mostly likes new experiences but sometimes he needs quite a bit of time to adjust, I just hope that he is not going to sit and observe everybody for two hours like he sometimes does on the playground or at least not for the whole two hours :) I guess I am really looking forward to tomorrow since it will give me an opportunity to learn about my son something new.

The new house is great. After two years of living on audio books I finally have a place to sit and read with no interruptions. Only now I understand how much I missed it. The couch I am sitting on is a perfect piece of furniture. I have a very strange relationship with the furniture, I don't like it. Most of the things we bought so far were just a good practical decisions. But that couch was a spontaneous buy that makes me happy day after day. I wish all of our furniture pieces were like that, but haven't seeing for ages anything I liked as much as this couch.

So I am sitting on my couch, reading a good book, and it is just perfect. There is a cup of tea and a little sweet. The couch is on the middle floor so I can hear both my son upstairs who is having a hard time falling asleep and my husband who is downstairs playing a computer game both coughing sometimes. Nobody needs me right now and I can monitor the situation without disrupting my reading because I know that everybody is alright and it gives me the peace of mind.

Today was a bleak day, nothing was happening. My son gave me many hugs and kisses when I was putting him to bed and it brought my mood up. He is such a sweetheart and I love him so much.

It was hot, hot, hot outside. Morning was even cooler than yesterdays but by noon the city was baking. This is one the days when I really appreciate the building where I work. We have huge windows that are leading to two balconies from where you can see almost all of the city. As you stepping out from the air-conditioned gray office the warm wind wraps around you, the colors of the sunny day overwhelm you and for a few minutes you can feel like on top of the world.

I always try to step out as I am waiting for my lunch to be ready. It gives me such a boost.

The beautiful white tulips are placed on our dinning table, very pleasing. Not bitten today. Overall day was just an ok.

Recently I had quite a few conversations about the motherhood. I wish I had some deep insight but I think this works as it worked for many, many generations before us, and will be working for many generations after us.

All my pregnancy I felt like a bio robot. It is a such complicated process your body goes through and your mind doesn't participate in it at all, you have no control over it and only can observe. After the big day the combination of hormones and instincts kicks in. Once you gave birth you become THE MOM, the rest becomes secondary. I am amazed by women who have high-power jobs and have a few children, how do they find time and strength, and how do they deal with the guilt of missing important events in the child's life. Although we do have a little bit more control over how much of ourselves we are giving up, our men are more helpful, and there are services and appliances, and of course diapers.

At this point I feel like Neo, I took the red pill and I knew my life will change because I will gain some very important knowledge but never imagined what I got myself into. Actually I think the whole scene with the pill and the mirror is such a great visual representation of how it happens.

You are ready, you want to know the truth, you were long preparing yourself for the big meeting, and you feel like it very slowly creeps on you, and you are fascinated by what is happening and only when you are very close to the finish you start to understand what kind of deep sh*t you got yourself into but its too late, and you sucked in. Your quiet stable life is ripped apart and you reborn into the new reality where almost nobody sleeps, talks freely about bowel-movements and other disgusting things that seem very important to you too. Then you are trying to squish as much information as you can into your brain because you start to understand how little you actually know. There is a person who thinks your are a superhuman, and trusts you with his life. After trying to do everything at once and to do it perfectly, you understand that you are not a superhuman, and just settle for doing the best you can which is actually turns out to work out the best.

The end of essay about how path of Neo is alike to a path to motherhood.

Wow, be positive is a really tough job. It was a good day, went to work, actually wanted to work, and worked, came early stopped by at a local shop, that pleasantly surprised me by a very nice set up, and by having everything I needed to cook dinner. Came home took care of a sick husband, ate some strawberries, drank a cup of tea. Child woke up and on and on and on. I did everything I needed and everything on time and without getting upset once. Everything was fine until my son decided that he needs to let out some frustration by biting me, and I let him, because I wanted him to face consistences, usually he stops but not today. So it really, really hurt, and he went to bed without a story. It felt very, very sad and bad, but I am hopeful that it will end with today's incident. But an hour and a half of numbing TV put me back on track.

And that's all for today.

P.S. Yesterday was actually fine, me and my husband got talking about our life, and it took quite sometime so I just didn't have time to finish the post.

Today was all about trying to dig a garden patch for the flowers. Well it took me three hours and I still was not satisfied. I guess it is always a challenge to start a garden from the scratch. Removing the grass wasn't too bad but there was a lot of rocks small and large so most of the time I was picking them up from the ground. Hard, hard work. At the end I still decided to put some dahlias into the ground. I don't think I will have more time any time soon and there is another patch I will need to dig up for the vegetables next weekend. I definetly underestimated the time I needed to care of it, and although....to be continued